Essays That Got Me into Uni: Jeff Bezos versus Olive Garden’s ‘Unlimited Breadstick’ Deal

For this essay, I will assume three things: the supply of infinite food is given at one sitting (no breaks aside from conversation over dinner, brisk walks to the restroom, and other activities necessary for life), this infinite food is consumed by one person (to keep things simple enough for only two pages), and in the future our medical technology will have advanced to the point that we as humans have reached immortality.  I’ll set the scene: we are at Olive Garden. The lights are dimmed and add warmth to the atmosphere. Patrons are chatting and laughing at their respective tables, unaware that history is about to be made before their eyes (and their children's eyes, and their grandchildren's eyes.) The door opens every few minutes, letting a refreshing breeze of evening air into the room. The smell of famous Olive Garden breadsticks wafts in from the kitchen to the sound of plates rattling. It would be peaceful… if there wasn’t a job to do. 

In this scenario, our subject will eat at least one 140 calorie breadstick (with garlic topping, of course) every thirty minutes to keep the supply coming. This means that not only does the restaurant require the capabilities to prepare breadsticks for an extended amount of time (holidays included), the patron must also have the ability to consume such amounts (at least 6720 calories per day worth of breadsticks). And, while promises of unlimited food will initially get you two or three extra servings of *insert side dish*, after the check comes out, it is no longer in your server’s best interest to continue supplying your table. For this to be truly unlimited, a restaurant would need to be inclined to make it so. Not just anyone is capable of such persuasion; in this avaricious world, this is a feat only a rich man could achieve. To be safe, I’ll assume this person has the ability to pay for an unimaginable amount of food. Enter Jeff Bezos. 

Jeff Bezos is best known as the founder of Amazon, an astute investor, and philanthropist (although the last description may be a reach.) With a net worth of 110.2 billion USD, he has the capability to fund such an ambitious project. Perhaps he has taken the challenge from Elon Musk, who has enlisted Rib Crib for a similar expedition to achieve unlimited ribs. It will be a cold day in hell when Jeff Bezos steps in to a Rib Crib.

To make this breadstick supply truly unlimited, we’ll have to keep Jeff healthy enough to live out his days scarfing down carbs. To tackle this problem, a team composed of medical specialists such as cardiologists, dieticians, and paramedics will stand by to ensure nothing should happen. He’ll have to eat things other than breadsticks to keep his digestive system in function; however, he may lack the appetite. For this, we’ll also introduce multivitamins and meal supplements into his diet. Still, he’ll have to get sleep. Technically, it is possible to go with only a few hours of sleep each night. Unfortunately, this causes adverse side effects in most people and can lead to heart disease, diabetes, and even a shortened life expectancy. According to Business Insider, Mr. Bezos prioritizes getting at least eight hours of sleep each night to make tact business decisions. To ensure Mr. Bezos remains his lively, robust self, we’ll have to find a way for him to sleep through a few 30 minute breadstick intervals. Luckily, the feeding tube was invented in the mid 1800s and has been improved upon greatly ever since. With today’s long-term pre-pyloric feeding tube, Mr. Bezos can catch his Z’s while never missing a breadstick.

Considering Mr. Bezos seems particularly fond of his physique and will be consuming upwards of 7000 calories each day (including vitamins and supplements), we’ll have to keep an eye on his weight. To calculate the amount of calories burned every day by Mr. Bezos, we’ll use this formula:  66 + (6.2 x weight) + (12.7 x height) - (6.76 x age). When his numbers are substituted in, we’ll get approximately 1499.9 calories. Multiplying this by 1.2 will supplement for the physical exercise he does whilst eating (i.e not a whole lot.) In all, Mr. Bezos will burn 1800 calories by simply living. However, he’ll need to stay in peak physical condition to continue his breadstick mission. To compensate for almost 7000 calories worth of breadsticks, he’ll have to do moderate exercise at regular intervals. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll set up a treadmill next to his table so he can burn the remaining 5200. The average man can walk at 4 miles per hour with a 6% incline and burn almost 1000 calories per hour. Since Mr. Bezos is a bit on the lighter side, weighing in at 154 pounds, we’ll assume he can burn 900 calories an hour. To burn at least 5200 calories, he’ll have to aim for walking about 6 hours a day. 

Not to mention, Mr. Bezos will eventually hear Nature’s call. The average middle aged man uses the bathroom 4-10 times a day, depending on varying underlying health conditions. Because I’m feeling particularly generous, we’ll allow Mr. Bezos to stretch his legs on his way to the lavatory 8 times a day. Not only will this allow for an invigorating change of scene, it will provide for a moment of quiet reflection which is essential for mental health. Mr. Bezos has made it a habit to meditate to increase his stress resilience, according to INC.com. Considering he will be eating one breadstick every 30 minutes, living with a permanent feeding tube, sleeping 8 hours a day, walking 6 hours a day, and answering to the inevitable media storm of questions as to why anyone would want to take on such a frivolous adventure, this will be a custom he will want to continue.

Jeff Bezos is about to be the first man to break the bonds of mortality; one small breadstick for man, one giant waste of resources for mankind. His legacy will live on for generations and inspire the invention of many a weight loss fad. Not to mention, he has inspired the world’s first 24-hour Olive Garden. A basket of breadsticks sits between us. Servers stand by at the ready with pitchers of water and parmesan cheese graters. Cooks in the kitchen are already bent over counters and ovens, looking forward to their shift ending. This project will cost a whopping $895,882 per year, which also happens to be the amount of money that could build 447 homeless shelters. Or pay for 3 days worth of utilities for an entire hospital. Or even pay for 1,500 children in Africa to attend school. Even more mind-blowing is the fact that realistically, Jeff Bezos could afford to pay for this many years in advance considering his existing wealth and the rate at which his investments are growing. It’s all about perspective. Tune in next time when we’ll explore the possibilities of Mark Zuckerberg consuming an unlimited amount of Garlic Herb Shrimp at Outback Steak House. 

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Essays That Got Me into Uni: The Dream Meets the Nightmare

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Essays That Got Me into Uni: About Me (AKA an Overshare)