My Blue-Ribbon Vagina
I have a confession to make. One of my favorite things to do is to read gossip. It started as a marketing research project years ago to help me understand what people in my fundraising communities valued and found important. It was all very innocent when I would come across a little blurb about my zombie walk here or there on social media or through the grapevine. Some of them gave me a little giggle and I would even use ideas generated from the rumor mill to improve my community reach and publicity. I still use it today when I freelance and it rarely lets me down. One of my favorite subjects to come across are rumors about myself. They are always good entertainment.
When my local county attorney filed charges against a former friend for stealing money and jewelry from me, I heard plenty.
“Hang on to your hubbies, ladies…”
“She’s sleeping with…”
“And she’s sleeping with…”
“And she’s sleeping with…”
At first, I found it sad that a grown woman who up until then called herself my best friend would take to Facebook in retaliation. Retaliation for what? The idea was almost absurd. I couldn’t help but crack a smile as the rants betrayed a maturity best described as a bastardized relationship between 50 Shades of Gray and Sweet Valley High.
The conversation in the comments were even better. I have wondered about these commentators-people I don’t know. I even read with interest a heated exchange between two followers over whether or not my sexual partners were anyone else’s business. It was entertaining to be sure but it also made one thing perfectly clear:
I have the best vagina in southeast Kansas!
If the catty comments on FaceBook are to be believed (and you know everything you see on the internet must be true) I have a line of potential lovers lined up outside my house, probably stretching around the block. It explains the increasing cost of gasoline in my area (these guys need to fill their tank more often to make the trip!) and the persistent economic slump in my tiny town. Geographic isolation? Lack of big industry? No grocery store? Nope. The reason my town is so economically depressed is the fact that every man for miles is waiting their turn to tap this!
I assure you the title was not bestowed upon me voluntarily. I never entered my lady-parts in a pageant, never submitted a resume of my carnal accomplishments, nor have I ever submitted a ‘head shot’. I do not recall parading its talent in any tournament in order to win such an honor. I haven’t entered it in any agility contests, it’s never placed in any spelling bees nor has it ever performed on America’s Got Talent. As such, I must certainly have been recognized for my diligence, perseverance, overall quality and hard work. Just ask those who contributed their two-cents. They certainly seemed to be posting night and day, but were they doing anything else? Apparently not to my standards of excellence in the sack!
What makes me even more impressed by the ‘award’ is the face that my vagina is still so well behaved. It has never gone off leash, never brought a fan home and never in the least acted like a diva. I’m very proud of its humble, down-to-earth nature, never let it be said that success went to its…head.
As for the creator of the posts and other supporters? Judging from the array, those other commenting must have placed far behind mine with obviously less than spectacular vaginas. I can only guess they feel their loss was because the contest had been reduced to a popularity contest. That’s probably true, as there are no doubt far more people following the exploits of my vagina than theirs!
So as the crowned winner of the title of the Best Piece of Tail in Southeast Kansas, let me assure the nomination committee on FaceBook that I will dutifully and faithfully carry out the tasks of my prestigious office until my reign is over and a successor assumes her rightful place. Rest assured when the time comes I will put a leash on my vagina as a precaution and keep it restrained for the duration of the ceremony. No need for a title match, right?
I’m Jennifer Beck and I’m Jenuinely Jennifer.
Writer, researcher, and reining champion!
Update: Shortly after this piece was composed, I received a text from my angry ex which read in part: “Please share this with your boyfriend in Tulsa and KC or how many you have. They should know what a narcissistic ass you are.”
I think I just won a Tri-State title!
