Fundamentally Cheeking
A buddy of mine got into trouble at the office the other day. He grabbed a beer and his phone to tell me.
‘A lady walks in as I’m utterly not paying attention. She started speaking before she entered my doorway, so in between that, the overly positive sound of her voice, and my lack of attention she says, “Are you sick of me yet?”
To which he replied, “Yep!”
In my mind, what I had thought she said before my brain actually absorbed the reality of her words was something about ‘Are these ready yet?’
I was wrong. Very, very wrong.’
I know exactly how this feels. As one of the bajillion people out there who are just hard-of-hearing enough to get myself in trouble but not hard-of-hearing enough to force me to do anything about it, I’ve heard a lot of entertaining things-all of them completely wrong!
Take the other day when I heard my daughter in the other room talking to a group of girls about having her grandmother ‘cut her snatch’. Imagine the look I received when I bowled her out for the obviously inappropriate comment, only to learn she was talking about ‘finding another patch’!
Or the time I was at a comedy club when I clearly heard one of the performers say “I kill people for money.” What he really said was “I find people funny.” I really should have known better. The guy never has more than twenty dollars to his name, but I’ve decided to watch my back just to be on the safe side!
I have no idea what combination of words left me thinking that my son said his ‘gender is Batman’ but since then he has insisted that he prefers to sexually identify himself as an Apache helicopter. So I guess that’s one for the scrapbook either way!
It’s not limited to out of the room comments either. I have heard my car dealership page the Terminator over the loudspeaker, received phone messages to return Grandpa Munster’s call, and even been set up with an appointment to be seen by Doctor Casino. I also sat in the pews in shock as my priest cautioned the congregation about the ills of neglecting chocolate. That surely must be a sin!
Imagine what it was like to hit on a teenage Jennifer with the same hearing problems! I must have been fifteen or so when a hot senior named Dean McWhirt (not really) was trying to charm his way into my pants. With his big blue eyes, a polished Harrison Ford grin and a blonde mullet (stop cringing kids, this was the 80’s!) I admit he had my attention. As to avoid the detection of nearby parental supervision, he kept saying softly, “I want you.” All I heard was, “How are you?” Then I took his looks of confusion as a sure sign he was either drugged up or socially retarded. Either way, Jennifer easily kept her virginity for another two and a half years!
I’m Jennifer Beck and I’m Jenuinely Jennifer.
Writer, Researcher, and suspicious listener!
